You're Sick if You Celebrate Halloween

$12.2 billion for 675 grams for each person! How sweet is that!?!

No, I’m not talking about the fentanyl crisis pouring into our country. I’m talking about the industry of another highly addictive but legal substance ravaging our country: sugar.

There is a nasty flu-like virus “going around” right now. It seems to always happen this time of year. After all, it’s flu season. That’s just the way it is. But I say, no, it’s Halloween - that is why we are sick. I wonder what would happen if we didn’t celebrate it?

Follow the Money

I’m not going to go into the argument of Halloween being a pagan holiday marked by dead cats, black chickens and other maybe-maybe-not celebrations and rituals. Next time you have 4 hours, YouTube can help you with your research. What I’m saying is: follow the money.

I’m not sure when Halloween became such an American tradition, but I bet it was sometime around when a candy and retail business realized they could make a lot of money off it. Americans spent almost $2.6 billion on candy, $3.2 billion on costumes and $2.7 billion on decorations in 2019.

Trick 1, Treat 0.

Where are the Adults?

Somebody once stayed up all night on a sugar high and calculated that 300,000 tons of candy are sold for Halloween. That’s six Titanics worth of sweets. I’m joking about the circumstances surrounding the math. But the math is 100% accurate. Trust me. I read it online.

If that’s not enough to make you sick, chew on this: Americans purchase about 90 million pounds of chocolate for Halloween.

How much sugar is that? Apparently not enough, because we do it bigger every year. It’s estimated that kids consume 3 cups of sugar eating their Halloween candy. That’s 675 grams of sugar; the equivalent of 169 sugar cubes. That’s just the kids. How much are adults consuming?

Oh, I forgot, you’re an adult. It’s your right to destroy your health one sugar cube at a time.

Trick 2, Treat 0.

You’re Sick

We have football season, hunting season, actual real seasons like Fall, and we even have a flu season. Just ask the CDC. But no one can figure out why flu season always begins around the same time of year: right now. The reason for this season is as elusive as those punk kids who took ALL the candy out of the candy bowl you left on your front porch. No matter what you do, they always get you. And that’s how people treat the flu and all the other nasty viruses creeping into our homes and bodies this time of year (and the rest of the Holidays). It’s the weather. It’s the government. It’s the devil. It is what it is.

Is it sugar? Nah, couldn’t be.

Seriously, how could consuming 2 pounds of candy negatively affect my health? It’s because I didn’t get the flu shot, silly. Or maybe I should get that 2-for-1 that I saw on TV.

Why is everyone sick? Trick 3, Treat 0.

Trick or Treat?

Sugar is toxic. It is terrible for your brain and every other organ in your body. It pains me to say that. I’ve been known to tell people sweets are not my weakness, they’re my strength. Little Debbie was my first crush. I can consume chocolate like an addict who knows he’s entering rehab tomorrow. The struggle is real, people. I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten better and am getting much better.

Maybe we should cancel this season. All it does it make us sick. And depressed. And poor. Enough of that trick. I’m going to treat myself to better health and wealth.

And maybe that could become a tradition!